Food: Intertwined with Memory and Logic
Even if meals become a mundane thing in everyday life, there is reason and meaning behind every mouth-full of food we take. My experience with food, up to this point, has really been associated with events or people from my past and what I have been previously taught about food itself. Though currently I find myself questioning my food choices and trying to figure out what encourages me to eat, what I do, or for that matter, how I eat. I know I may never fully grasp the reasoning behind it, but everyday I try to become more in touch with not only my relationship with food, but also what it says about who I am as a person.
Subconsciously, I piece together fragments of my past with bits of food I choose to eat. Even my favourite foods have developed an importance because I was given them constantly as a child, and from combining the food and these events, I have created meaning and importance of my “favourite” foods. Even the food choices I make on a daily basis express the meaning or memories behind them: I tend to eat more dishes with poultry or cheese because of the chicken and mac and cheese dinners my father would serve us, trying his best to be both a paternal and maternal figure while my mother was constantly absent from our household. Fruit is also a major staple in my diet, tied to my grandmothers visits bringing us bountiful bowls of freshly washed pineapple, cantaloupe, blueberries and strawberries. Also the taste of freshly-picked raspberries linger on my tongue when I eat any type of small berry, remembering the peaceful days of going out to the lake’s shore beneath our cottage and gathering raspberries until the sun disappeared and stars came out to greet us.
For me, these foods are a reminder that these events happened; I feel more accepting of what happened in the past and are comforted by the fact that I can easily slip back into those times when worries, conflict, and sadness were only a small moment in time, easily forgotten and replaced with positivity and the bliss of being young. Though, I still also have a negative view on food because of my past as well: I often times try to cut down on the portion of what I’m eating because I have an internalized and now externalized fear of re-gaining a large amount of weight I previously had when I was in middle school. The portions make me fear food and make me reluctant to try new types of food because emotionally I don’t believe I could be comfortable with myself if I did gain weight and didn’t realize how big I actually was again. Still, I rely on manageable portions of food to nourish me and provide comfort and a hearty helping of memories to feed off of.
Looking at food in a very literal way, the fact that food is only a necessity has stuck with me. I have been taught time and time again that food is an energy source, so we eat to stay alive and to have energy to carry out daily activities in our lives. It’s disappointing to say that I have learned and accepted that this is true. Disappointed only skims the surface, but I feel this because I want to believe that food is so much more than simply that; that while food does let us keep on living it also has unspoken stories to tell about where it comes from, how its made, what’s its purpose, who eats it and why- what importance it truly has on us as people. My relationship with food up till now has been a pretty basic one, relying on scientifically proven facts and memories rather than truly thinking about food in depth. While I struggle to successfully come to understanding with my personal relationship with food, each meal or gulp-full now speaks volumes.
Subconsciously, I piece together fragments of my past with bits of food I choose to eat. Even my favourite foods have developed an importance because I was given them constantly as a child, and from combining the food and these events, I have created meaning and importance of my “favourite” foods. Even the food choices I make on a daily basis express the meaning or memories behind them: I tend to eat more dishes with poultry or cheese because of the chicken and mac and cheese dinners my father would serve us, trying his best to be both a paternal and maternal figure while my mother was constantly absent from our household. Fruit is also a major staple in my diet, tied to my grandmothers visits bringing us bountiful bowls of freshly washed pineapple, cantaloupe, blueberries and strawberries. Also the taste of freshly-picked raspberries linger on my tongue when I eat any type of small berry, remembering the peaceful days of going out to the lake’s shore beneath our cottage and gathering raspberries until the sun disappeared and stars came out to greet us.
For me, these foods are a reminder that these events happened; I feel more accepting of what happened in the past and are comforted by the fact that I can easily slip back into those times when worries, conflict, and sadness were only a small moment in time, easily forgotten and replaced with positivity and the bliss of being young. Though, I still also have a negative view on food because of my past as well: I often times try to cut down on the portion of what I’m eating because I have an internalized and now externalized fear of re-gaining a large amount of weight I previously had when I was in middle school. The portions make me fear food and make me reluctant to try new types of food because emotionally I don’t believe I could be comfortable with myself if I did gain weight and didn’t realize how big I actually was again. Still, I rely on manageable portions of food to nourish me and provide comfort and a hearty helping of memories to feed off of.
Looking at food in a very literal way, the fact that food is only a necessity has stuck with me. I have been taught time and time again that food is an energy source, so we eat to stay alive and to have energy to carry out daily activities in our lives. It’s disappointing to say that I have learned and accepted that this is true. Disappointed only skims the surface, but I feel this because I want to believe that food is so much more than simply that; that while food does let us keep on living it also has unspoken stories to tell about where it comes from, how its made, what’s its purpose, who eats it and why- what importance it truly has on us as people. My relationship with food up till now has been a pretty basic one, relying on scientifically proven facts and memories rather than truly thinking about food in depth. While I struggle to successfully come to understanding with my personal relationship with food, each meal or gulp-full now speaks volumes.